Climbing Your Mountain & Finding Hope Despite Your Five Feet

Okay two things before we start:

1. I think we should all just start expecting posts every quarter from me- the only time I have five extra minutes or anything to write about is when I'm not in school and I'M SORRY.

2. I have a lottt of points I'm trying to get across in this post and I'm doing my absolute best to have them all tie in and make sense but its a lil difficult for some reason so I'll just apologize now if this is a tad confusing.

okay onto the actual point.

I’m not going to lie- when my family decided we would spend our spring break skiing I was super nervous. Okay all of you pro skiers reading this you’re going to have to bear with me, ITS SCARY THE FIRST TIME. If you know anything about me at all you know I’m painfully unathletic and terrified of heights, so as I’m sure you can imagine, skiing was never at the top of my list.

When we arrived at the mountain for our lesson on Tuesday morning, my heart was pounding. Probably because it’s a dang workout to put on that much gear and the altitude is lot for me but also because there was a very real possibility I wouldn’t make it out alive. (u guys already know i’m dramatic right?? glad we established that)

Our ski instructor, Marco (Slovenian, coolest guy I’ve ever met nbd), made sure we were comfortable on the flat ground- I had only fallen once!!!- then lead us to a line of people. Just following him and trying to stay upright, I was not paying attention to where we were at all. I was in my own little world of panic until I tuned back in to him saying “just make sure you pull the bar down after you sit”

DO WHAT??

Nope I was not ready to plummet to my death off a ski lift. Nope not happening. but realizing it was nearly our turn and there really wasn’t any going back, I accepted my fate. I didn’t have much time to think and before I knew it the seat was underneath me and I was much too high off the ground. but oh how gorgeous the mountains looked from up there. You could see all of park city to the left, and snow covered mountains for miles straight ahead. and all on the shortest lift on the mountain!!!

Fast forward two days and I had-not to brag or anything but- MASTERED that baby slope. I only ran into a pole once!!! I was killing it. (I’m sorry I’m done) 

Anyways I let my family talk me into the “upper first time slope” as they called it. Oh yeah that’s ADVANCED. I was ready. I was gonna pizza slice my way down that thing like a PRO. 

After a slightly longer ski lift ride (very slight ok) I was at the top of the slope watching my seven year old cousin disappear down the mountain with no problem. Determined to go really slow, I was much farther behind my family. Pizza slice baby- it was saving my life.

Well. I thought it was until I realized you can't pizza slice down the whole way without gaining speed. WHY WOULD MARCO NOT TELL ME THAT. So naturally, I panicked.

Trying not to totally wipe out, I attempted to control the fall, but I was also not informed that when you try to sit down in skis, THEY DON'T STOP MOVING. There went my poles in the snow and on I went, a little squat ball of panic down the easiest slope there was. As I realized this had the potential to end quite badly I threw myself onto my stomach to stop, clipped out of my skis, and hiked all the way back up to my poles. After a good ten minutes of trying with little success to clip back in as my entire family watched from the bottom of the slope, I gave up. Gathering all of my equipment in my arms, I began the only option I had left- butt scooting.

Once I FINALLY made it down I was over it. My dad bought my fifth caramel macchiato of the week and a cookie and I was set. That’s enough skiing for me, I'll just drink my coffee and go.

But I’m the type of person who can’t do anything without thinking about how I’m going to tell the story later. and falling and giving up just wouldn’t do. I had to have something better to tell all eight of you guys!!!

So back I went.

and down I went. Upright the entire time!!! 

that’s right you’re looking at an UPPER FIRST TIME SKIER LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. 

As dumb as it sounds, there are few times in my life that I've ever felt so proud of myself. Don't get me wrong- I'm really bad. Like really really bad. But I did something that scared me and even when the first attempt didn't go as planned, I tried again. And that's not something I can talk myself into everyday.

It reminds me of a post I come across every so often- 

"draw stick figures. sing off key. write bad poems. sew ugly clothes. run slowly. flirt clumsily. play video games on easy. you do not need to be good at something to enjoy the act. talent is overrated. do things you like doing. it's ok to suck."

and wowww it makes me smile every time. because its so. true. It is okay to suck!!! We're all so obsessed with what everyone will think, or how we'll look. And don't get me wrong, I'm more guilty of this than anyone. But I'm learning this more everyday. Its okay if my friends have been skiing blacks since they were eight!! I had fun on that green!! And thats what matters.

And it was the same with snowmobiling- I was terrified. but I ended up having the most fun ever and getting without a doubt the coolest picture I have ever posted.

yes I'll hold for applause.

Now, this all sounds incredibly trivial. and it is. yay you overcame a tiny fear like the rest of us!!! I get it.

but these experiences were the most fun I've had in a really long time. and they reminded me how important those moments are. When you're laughing so hard you can't breathe, or feeling on top of the world after accomplishing something you had convinced yourself was impossible. It's really a beautiful thing to let yourself feel that kind of happiness. and in a lot of ways, I think its what life is all about- the things you'll never forget.

I realized this, and thought about it hard, as I admired the gorgeous view of the Park City mountains. In that moment I don't think I'd ever felt luckier. To have gotten to experience such exciting things and beautiful places. To be surrounded by my family screaming over a pool game in the background. I just couldn't get over how beautiful life could be.

And it was. But later that night, I somehow found myself in tears.

Scrolling through twitter reading about the sudden death of a young girl I had looked up to for years. And the mourning of so many over the loss of a well loved actor. And the tragedy that took too many, an ocean away. The world felt so dark. I just couldn't understand how I could spend my day feeling so much happiness and freedom and love while all of these horrible things were going on. Suddenly, even though I'd been filled with light less than two hours before, everything felt hopeless.

I came home happy with my trip, but this heaviness continued to weigh on my heart. I just couldn't get that little sadness out of my mind. This little voice in the back of my head reminding me how much evil there was in the world.

And then I saw Five Feet Apart.

If you don't know, Five Feet Apart is a movie about two teenagers who suffer from Cystic Fibrosis. I'll link the trailer here, and if you have the opportunity please please see it. And bring tissues. And do not under any circumstances wear mascara.

I pinky promise I won't spoil anything but you guys this movie!!! It was so heartbreaking yet so beautiful all at once. I don't think I stopped crying the entire time, yet somehow found myself laughing out loud through big ugly tears. I think what made it so touching was how real it was. I won't say too much about Cystic Fibrosis, because obviously I still have a lot to learn about it and I really don't want to speak on something before I'm educated. But I have been reading a lot about it, and I've seen so so many stories that really really touched my heart. I read a ton of them here if you want to check them out- I highly recommend it!! At first, learning about these intense struggles these young kids have had to face almost put me back in that dark place I had been in days before. Almost.

But then I realized. Yes its horribly unfair that such sad things exist in the world. But in the face of those hardships, these were kids who fought, and continue to fight, through it. I can't even begin to describe the respect I have for each and every single person affected in any way by this illness. Or any illness for that matter. It truly is amazing how they were able to be so strong. And that was when it really hit me just how much hope there can be in this dark world. The kids in the movie had to cope with their five feet. And the amazing kids in real life keep fighting.

And so I continued to think. Maybe all of this craziness I've tried to express to you in this post is all one big lesson to be learned.

I skied even though the thought terrified me. I overcame my mountain, and although it was a small one, it made me feel so good.

The main characters in Five Feet Apart learned to find hope, despite their five feet. It was something they couldn't change, but somehow they dealt with it- and were stronger for it.

And although these seem wildly unrelated, the more I think about it, the more I truly believe- these are two of the most important lessons we can learn. To climb our mountains, and to find hope despite our five feet.

I think we all have mountains. Things that scare us. Whether its something silly like skiing or a math test, or truly life altering fears- we have the ability to overcome them.

I also think we all have our five feet. Things we don't have the ability to change. Maybe its something like Stella and Will's that puts everything else into perspective. Or maybe its not so huge. We all have baggage. And if so many kids in the face of CF can learn to find hope, I think the rest of us can too.

SO. Next time we're feeling anxious, or frustrated with a circumstance we can't change, I hope we can all remember that its part of life. I say "we" because I'm learning it too. Its not easy to see the bigger picture when you're living the struggle, I know that. But there is one. And I promise, whether you're climbing or learning to cope, you will get through it. 

xoxo, em

AND:

In watching this film and writing this post, I really had it on my heart to do at least a little something to help the fight against CF. 

SO I got online and I bought this pure vida set which gives 25% of net profits to the Legacy Foundation, a nonprofit that provides equipment and other necessary resources for CF patients. I'll leave the link here if you want them!!

I know its not much, but I'm a huge believer that every little bit truly does help.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9

2018: Here's to More Rain

I’ve written and rewritten this post probably a thousand times. I’m not even exaggerating. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating a little but still I’ve written it a lot. and I’m still not even sure I like it but I'm doing my best. I’m just really struggling to write something I think all 5 of you that actually read this blog will like. Its hard to please that many people man. 

I have so much I could say about 2018. So many of my favorite memories and best stories. but for some reason every time I close my laptop and decide its finished there’s this part of me that just isn’t satisfied with what I’ve written. 

I think its partly because this year was SO LONG. I know we’re all sick of seeing the “we had an olympics THIS YEAR, let that sink in” tweets but seriously... there’s no way that was this year. 

but I also think its because I don’t like the feeling we all get as each year comes to a close. The feeling that somethings ending; that after we count down to midnight we’ll all turn a page and begin a new chapter with only memories of the previous pages tied up with a nice little bow and labeled 2018. Nothing even changes, really. Us high school students will write a new date at the top of our papers and our parents will see a new date on their iphone calendars and we’ll all go on with our lives. I know that. but for some reason, leading up to it always feels like this big transition. This big reminder that time keeps passing. That I’m half way done with my junior year of high school and that when the clock strikes midnight It’ll be the year I become a senior. That I’m one step closer to leaving home. That we’re all getting older. 

and I’m finally admitting it. 

THAT TERRIFIES ME. 

Like more than parallel parking or high cut swimsuits or standardized testing.

and that’s okay. In fact, I think it’s a good thing. 

It was one of my biggest goals for this year; to be aware in every moment that I’d never get it back. I wanted to live in the moment and never take anything for granted. and I did that. I absorbed every second of family dinners and movie nights with my best friends and summer sunsets on the beach and walking through new european cities and laughing until I couldn’t breathe in little san diego coffee shops. I truly did live for those moments. They were really beautiful and I think being able to enjoy them as much as I did gave them a really special place in my heart. 

I really pushed myself to grow and to meet a goal, and I’m proud of that. and that’s why it’s so easy to talk about. because it’s a cute little story about learning to be present and it has a happy little ending. I'm not saying that it wasn't meaningful or that it was a simple lesson, because its something I continue to work at every day, and it remains a goal for the upcoming year. I just mean it wasn't something that came with a lot of pain, as I feel that growth often does. It was something that helped me grow, but it wasn’t the kind of pushing myself that was really tough. The kind that’s not a nice little story that makes it sound easy. 

I read a quote once, something along the lines of “I asked God to help me grow. It started raining.” I read it quickly and smiled, then disregarded it and continued scrolling. but thinking about it now, its incredibly eye opening. It sounds cute. Like aww God is making it rain to help us grow!! but the reality of that rain, I can assure you, isn’t cute. Its not simple and its not easy. It actually really sucks. and we all go through it. Times when it just feels like life is kicking your butt. Times when it’s really hard to get up and go to school or to find motivation. I had my fair share of them in 2018. I’m sure you did too. It happens to all of us. but those times are slowly teaching me lessons I’ll hold onto forever. They’re helping me grow. they’re helping us all grow. and just like that quote, that was God’s plan all along. 

One year ago I was, physically, exactly where I am right now. My grandmas couch in New Orleans ringing in the new year with my family and popping fireworks in the rain on her driveway. and in a lot of ways everything is the same. I still go to the same school with the same people. I still wake up in my same bedroom with my same bright teal walls and sit at my same kitchen table and eat my same peanut butter toast for breakfast. but- and I mean this in the least cliche way possible- I’m a different person now than I was then. (I know I know but hear me out). I think we all are. We learn a lot in a year; It would be sad if we were the exact same after an entire year of experiences. It would mean we didn’t grow at all. and growth is what life is about. Its in God’s plan for all of us, even though it’s really tough to see while its happening. 

Its almost funny how much I’m talking about growth right after I just wrote all about how terrifying it is to me that time continues to pass. because if growth comes with time and change, why am I so afraid that time keeps passing? 

You might be expecting me to have to this great answer to this question. or maybe you know me and won’t be surprised by this one:

BEATS ME. 

I have absolutely no idea. none. but that’s okay too. and that’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year. That it’s okay to be scared and it’s okay to not know why. Feeling like you’re running out of time is scary, but I think it’s normal. We’re all just learning how to live. and the sooner we realize it, the sooner we can help each other through it. because we’re all the same, really, and we’re all just trying to find our path.

So yes, while this year was incredible in sooo so many ways, it didn’t feel right to write another photo album post and call it a day.

Instead I decided to sound like a self help book. 

Here’s to more rain in 2019. to love and kindness through it. and to helping each other learn how to live. 

2018,

thank u, next. 

xoxo em

you didn’t think I was going to end this without including at least some photos from my “best of ‘18” album did you??? 

sorry. enjoy. 

“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you in Jesus Christ.” 

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

photo album: summer two thousand and eighteen

I’ve spent the last week trying to think of one word to describe this summer. You know... so I can have a cute and simple title for this post. And believe me I’ve exhausted all possibilities. I just can’t find the right word to sum it up. Because it was insane. The best summer of my life. But it also wasn’t perfect like I’d spent every math class of sophomore year picturing it to be. I spent so long fully ready for this summer to be life changing. And it so was. Just not at all in the way I thought it would be. But that’s life!!! And that’s what I’ve learned this summer. It’s not going to go exactly like you think it will. Things are going to go wrong. We just have to learn to yell PLOT TWIST and keep going. (I saw that on pinterest. anyways.)

This summer was moments I never wanted to let go of. This summer was one of lessons. hard ones. This summer was like the blink of an eye. It was seeing sights I’d always dreamed of and making memories I’ll always cherish. This summer wasn’t at all what I thought it would be, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. And I just wanna share all the little moments that didn’t make it to instagram.

This was taken wellll before school let out and I could finally stop crying about ap tests. It was April but it was the first time it felt like summer and I want to talk about it okay. This night was sooo good. The kind of carefree fun you think only exists if you're indy blue. In this picture we were sitting on the lawn at the pavilion (my literal homeee) waiting to see Eric Church after buying tickets hours before. Some guy behind us said something hilarious I can’t remember and we could not stop laughing.(let's be real at that point anything was funny). We danced barefoot to songs we had never heard the entire night. I was only there for one song. My favorite song ever. Like worth the entire ticket price. Jess and Gab has both never heard of it but that!! song!! you guys it’s so good. My dad and I have been listening to it for years. I waited the entire night to hear it. (Its called Like Jesus Does and it'll change your life). But when he left the stage after singing his most popular song, I was sooo sad. Like CRUSHED. Like my ticket was a waste and I was out forty bucks. Okay that was a little dramatic but still. It was upsetting to say the least. But then it hit me!!! Of course there's an encore!!!! And the lights were still down!!!! This was my time baby!!!! He returned to the stage with an acoustic guitar and proceeded to give a speech about how cool it is that so many people can still come to together for music, despite how scary and dangerous it had seemingly become. Dudeee my heart. When he finished he stepped back from the mic and played the opening chords to- you guessed it- LIKE JESUS DOES. I don’t cry at concerts. I didn’t even cry at Harry Styles. But something about that night... I just lost it. My best friends had their arms around me the entire song while I sang every word with tears streaming down my face. And the whole time we were laughing at how ridiculous we must have looked. Moments like those!!!!  when nothing else matters!!!!! that's literally what life is about

This one was taken at my sixteenth birthday party. Look who’s stealing the spotlight as usual. I'm kidding. kinda. But seriously I felt sooo much love this night. What did I do to deserve such sweet friends?? I will literally never understand.

Okay this one is ROUGH. But the most genuine happiness you’ll ever see. This was taken minutes after Harry Styles had left the stage, and we had sat down on the floor of the pit after standing for almost five hours. Our day had consisted of waiting six hours in the houston heat, standing for two more inside the venue, and singing our hearts out to our favorite songs with our favorite person in the world. Right after he left the stage Lucy screamed “NOW THE REST OF MY LIFE IS GOING TO BE BORING” and if that doesn’t sum the night up for you then I don’t know what will.

Okay this one did make it to instagram but I just wanted to talk about this really sweet hug with one of my favorite people!!! If you don’t watch Olivia Jade on youtube I 10/10 would recommend. She’s an angel and this moment was really special to me.

Europe!!!! This whole trip still feels like a dream. This was on Grafton Street on our first real day of the trip. I'm gonna be honest here- I was so jet lagged our entire time in Dublin that I barely remember any of it. This picture was taken after a lotttt of coffee. but those smiles are so real. Even if I had to make sure I had sunglasses on so you couldn't see the bags under my eyes.

Buckingham Palace!!!! A total dream. But I really just like this pic because of the people in it. We had the besttt time on this trip and I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.

TELL ME THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A LITERAL DISNEY MOVIE. Shoutout to Tony (our bus driver who ended up having to mail my wallet from London to Scotland bc I left it on the bus) for waking us all up from our naps to see this view.

Me n grace cracking up at Myra's lame jokes behind the camera. This one makes my heart sooo happy. Bc I can't lie, this trip was rough at times. but we were SO happy here. Like just couldn't stop laughing.  Mannn I'd do anything to be there.

I took these on our first day in London and I just think they're cool and I could pretty much be a professional photographer. pls care. (are we close enough that you understand my sarcasm now?? lmk)

IHOB!!! My cousins have a cute lil tradition of eating full breakfasts at midnight every time we're together. It's so bad but its soooo good. For sure some of our all time favorite memories.

This is a picture I took our first night in Florida. The view from our condo was insaneee and I watched more sunsets that week than I had in a long time. I know every tumblr post ever says this but I never want to miss another one. It's this daily reminder of how amazing of an artist God is and is guaranteed to make your problems seem a heck of a lot smaller.

My best friend!!!! I think teenage girls are supposed to fight with their dads a lot more than I do. I mean we argue trust me but it's usually about like where to eat dinner. (also I think he lies to me that actually reads these entire things so this is going toward the end to see if he texts me about it.)

Y'ALL. THIS. NIGHT. actually changed my life. Niall freaking Horan knows how to put on a show lemme tell you. Grace cried like ten minutes in and I think Kate was holding back tears all night. Val and I held each other and SOBBED through the entirety of fools gold. Talk about emotional. We cried (like a lot) but we also had the most fun I'd had in so long. We danced to drag me down and laughed the entire time. I almost forgot to film anything because I was just enjoying it so much. and thats how you KNOW it was a good show.

Here's me saying something offensive to Court and my mama remaining unbothered. She's used to it.

Just including this to reassure everyone that my coffee addiction was v well fed this summer. I know you were all concerned.

Last but not least here's me and carls having actually so much fun in target. It's alllll about the people you're with I promise.

If anyone is actually still reading this, thank you for caring. u rock. 

Turning 16 in June feels like yesterday and now here I am writing this while I try to pick out an outfit for the first day of junior year tomorrow. Time is flyyying by and its low key scary. But its also teaching me how valuable every single day is. (notice how I said teachING. v much still learning). I am so so so so so grateful for each and every one of these experiences and each and every person I got to share them with. Like sooo grateful.

 Good luck at school tomorrow!!!! I know we all need it.

(did I mention I'm grateful)

thank u for reading I love u

xoxo em

ps. my summer video is coming very soon and I'm really excited about it so like if you wanna subscribe to my youtube uh feel free

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJb4fN5IVd9GtcdU7Y_hOqw/featured?view_as=subscriber

"Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire." - St Catherine of Siena

one love, one year later. a message from my heart.

The amount of hate and violence in the world we live in devastates me. I have had this post thought out for a long time. I am posting it days before the one year anniversary of the bombing in Manchester, an event that forever changed me and so many others. Today, we also happen to be living in the very recent aftermath of a tragic shooting at a high school in Santa Fe, Texas. It didn't feel right not to at the very least mention, that my heart is broken for every one touched by this tragic and senseless event. For those of you who want to help in even the smallest way, you can donate to the victims and families here: https://www.gofundme.com/cause/santa-fe-high-school

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I've thought a lot about how to even know where to start talking about this. What happened in manchester one year ago was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. and as much as I feel that it has changed my life I know that I will never understand the pain endured by those it touched directly. My heart has continued to ache for you every day since, and you will forever remain in my prayers.

It's truly astonishing to me that it's been a full year. I remember every detail of that night like it was yesterday. Scrolling through twitter, as I would any other night and refreshing to see the first tweets come through that something was wrong was a feeling I can't quite find the words to describe. At first people were saying that the loud noises were just balloons popping and that everything was fine. but when the news channel my grandparents had been watching downstairs starting covering it, I felt it in my gut that something was wrong. I can still feel that sinking feeling that I know so many felt as the awful news poured in.

When ariana tweeted later that night, my heart broke. She was APOLOGIZING. To even think that she felt an ounce of responsibility for those horrible events was devastating to me.

In the days that followed, I cried every time a victim was named. I had never experienced such a tragedy that felt so close to me. At the time I had been really into twitter. I followed enough ariana grande fan accounts that I could name multiple people at that manchester show. Although this tragedy was an ocean away, waiting for names to see if I recognized any made it feel closer than ever.

Being the dedicated Ariana fan that I was (okay, still am), I had been at her concert the month before. It so easily could have happened at any show. and I think that's why this felt so real to me and to so many people around the world.

I think the first time I thought maybe somehow we wouldn't let this hate defeat us was four days later when ariana released this letter.

I remember reading it for the first time. I called my mom in tears. They were tears of sadness for lost lives. and heart ache for those who lost loved ones. Tears of anger because I just couldn't understand how someone could possess the evil so deeply rooted in carrying out an attack like this. but also, I think I cried tears of hope. because this letter gave me hope that maybe our response to this hate could be love. that we wouldn't live our lives in fear. there are parts of this letter that have stuck with me every single day since.

"we will not quit or operate in fear. we won't let this divide us. we won't let hate win... our response to this violence must be to come closer together, to help each other, to love more, to sing louder, and to live more kindly and generously than we did before."

It was those words. That response. That made it feel like some way somehow, we could make these hateful intentions bring us closer together.

When Ariana returned to manchester, I was in absolute awe of her strength. How someone so personally affected by this could be as strong as she was continues to baffle me. The fact that she could be so strong when the people of manchester needed her most is simply amazing.

Just thirteen days after experiencing the unimaginable, Ariana was on stage again. One love manchester was.... I can't even find words to describe it. The amount of people that dropped everything to be there that night absolutely melted my heart. From the first song I was amazed at the love that seemed to engulf that arena. The love that, even from my couch 4,000 miles away, I somehow felt too. My first tears of the night came when niall horan sang this town. Random I know, but after that they didn't stop. That show was such a reminder that music was still unifying. That concerts could still feel like a safe place. and that no act of hate could take that away from us.

It proved that the people of manchester were strong, and resilient, and ready to fight back. Not with hate, but with more kindness, compassion, and love than ever before. Following the show, I remember videos coming out of people singing "manchester we're strong" at the top of their voices as they left the arena. They hugged strangers. and together, they began their healing.

Since watching this unfold through my phone screen, yet somehow feeling so much a part of it, three things I've learned continue to stand out to me.

First. I've learned strength. Ariana, the people of manchester, and every single person who felt touched in any way by this tragedy have displayed an incredible amount of strength over the past year. Ariana returned to manchester less than two weeks later. She hugged family members and visited hospitals for days. That is insanely brave. and amazingly admirable. She brought people together again. and the people of manchester returned to a concert venue less than two weeks later. That too is the kind of bravery that will forever inspire me. and every single person affected in any way by this tragedy, responded with more love. and the way people came together, was something that doesn't happen often. I am inspired every day of my life by the strength shown in those weeks following. and to grow stronger through something that made all of us feel so painfully weak.

Second. I have learned that living in fear, is simply not an option. Just as ariana said in that letter. We cannot quit or operate in fear. We won't let hate win. and she was right. The moment we begin to live in fear, we are letting that hate win. We must not be afraid. I get it, that's HARD. because how can we possibly not be afraid? how can we continue to go to concerts and not fear something bad happening? It's hard. But it's possible. The first concert I attended following manchester, was honestly terrifying. I knew it shouldn't have been. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was afraid, but I went anyways because I wasn't going to let my favorite thing in the world be taken away from me that easily. I knew that we couldn't give in to the fear, because that would be admitting defeat. and we weren't defeated. We were going to love one another more than ever before. We were going to sing louder than ever before. We were NOT going to let fear control us. and we didn't. The courage displayed in the year since has continued to prove that to me every single day.

Third. I've learned that healing is possible. I feel a bit strange saying that, because honestly every time I look back on that night, it's painful. It still brings tears to my eyes to hear the name of one of our 22 angels. and the pain that those who love them must continue to feel is unimaginable. That being said, we must continue to grow and to love through that pain. and Ariana is the living example of that. She's found a way to get back on stage. To keep making music. To smile again. and to keep those angels in heart every step of the way. Healing is a slow process. But I feel that, as a community, we have taken steps toward it together. and we must continue to do so as we endure another year of love and support through the healing process.

These are lessons that I will carry with me through the rest of my life. and that I hope we can all continue to learn from as we move forward.

Ariana, thank you for teaching me true strength. and for showing me what it means to be part of something wonderful. The love and courage that you have displayed has left an impression on me that will last a lifetime. I hope you continue to shine your love and light into the hearts of those of who support you, as you have for me for so many years.

We must continue to hope. We must continue to heal. We must continue to love. We must continue to sing louder and to stand stronger. We must not be afraid. and we must keep our angels in our hearts every step of the way.

Lastly I will leave you with my favorite tweet of all time. Because I think it's the perfect display of how much love was poured into that arena in manchester, even when for a time it seemed impossible.

We didn't let hate win.

"God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. All you need is faith." Joel 2:25


for our angels.