emilykatb: 2018: Here's to More Rain

I’ve written and rewritten this post probably a thousand times. I’m not even exaggerating. Okay maybe I'm exaggerating a little but still I’ve written it a lot. and I’m still not even sure I like it but I'm doing my best. I’m just really struggling to write something I think all 5 of you that actually read this blog will like. Its hard to please that many people man.

I have so much I could say about 2018. So many of my favorite memories and best stories. but for some reason every time I close my laptop and decide its finished there’s this part of me that just isn’t satisfied with what I’ve written.

I think its partly because this year was SO LONG. I know we’re all sick of seeing the “we had an olympics THIS YEAR, let that sink in” tweets but seriously... there’s no way that was this year.

but I also think its because I don’t like the feeling we all get as each year comes to a close. The feeling that somethings ending; that after we count down to midnight we’ll all turn a page and begin a new chapter with only memories of the previous pages tied up with a nice little bow and labeled 2018. Nothing even changes, really. Us high school students will write a new date at the top of our papers and our parents will see a new date on their iphone calendars and we’ll all go on with our lives. I know that. but for some reason, leading up to it always feels like this big transition. This big reminder that time keeps passing. That I’m half way done with my junior year of high school and that when the clock strikes midnight It’ll be the year I become a senior. That I’m one step closer to leaving home. That we’re all getting older.

and I’m finally admitting it.

THAT TERRIFIES ME.

Like more than parallel parking or high cut swimsuits or standardized testing.

and that’s okay. In fact, I think it’s a good thing.

It was one of my biggest goals for this year; to be aware in every moment that I’d never get it back. I wanted to live in the moment and never take anything for granted. and I did that. I absorbed every second of family dinners and movie nights with my best friends and summer sunsets on the beach and walking through new european cities and laughing until I couldn’t breathe in little san diego coffee shops. I truly did live for those moments. They were really beautiful and I think being able to enjoy them as much as I did gave them a really special place in my heart.

I really pushed myself to grow and to meet a goal, and I’m proud of that. and that’s why it’s so easy to talk about. because it’s a cute little story about learning to be present and it has a happy little ending. I'm not saying that it wasn't meaningful or that it was a simple lesson, because its something I continue to work at every day, and it remains a goal for the upcoming year. I just mean it wasn't something that came with a lot of pain, as I feel that growth often does. It was something that helped me grow, but it wasn’t the kind of pushing myself that was really tough. The kind that’s not a nice little story that makes it sound easy.

I read a quote once, something along the lines of “I asked God to help me grow. It started raining.” I read it quickly and smiled, then disregarded it and continued scrolling. but thinking about it now, its incredibly eye opening. It sounds cute. Like aww God is making it rain to help us grow!! but the reality of that rain, I can assure you, isn’t cute. Its not simple and its not easy. It actually really sucks. and we all go through it. Times when it just feels like life is kicking your butt. Times when it’s really hard to get up and go to school or to find motivation. I had my fair share of them in 2018. I’m sure you did too. It happens to all of us. but those times are slowly teaching me lessons I’ll hold onto forever. They’re helping me grow. they’re helping us all grow. and just like that quote, that was God’s plan all along.

One year ago I was, physically, exactly where I am right now. My grandmas couch in New Orleans ringing in the new year with my family and popping fireworks in the rain on her driveway. and in a lot of ways everything is the same. I still go to the same school with the same people. I still wake up in my same bedroom with my same bright teal walls and sit at my same kitchen table and eat my same peanut butter toast for breakfast. but- and I mean this in the least cliche way possible- I’m a different person now than I was then. (I know I know but hear me out). I think we all are. We learn a lot in a year; It would be sad if we were the exact same after an entire year of experiences. It would mean we didn’t grow at all. and growth is what life is about. Its in God’s plan for all of us, even though it’s really tough to see while its happening.

Its almost funny how much I’m talking about growth right after I just wrote all about how terrifying it is to me that time continues to pass. because if growth comes with time and change, why am I so afraid that time keeps passing?

You might be expecting me to have to this great answer to this question. or maybe you know me and won’t be surprised by this one:

BEATS ME.

I have absolutely no idea. none. but that’s okay too. and that’s one of the biggest lessons I’ve learned this year. That it’s okay to be scared and it’s okay to not know why. Feeling like you’re running out of time is scary, but I think it’s normal. We’re all just learning how to live. and the sooner we realize it, the sooner we can help each other through it. because we’re all the same, really, and we’re all just trying to find our path.

So yes, while this year was incredible in sooo so many ways, it didn’t feel right to write another photo album post and call it a day.

Instead I decided to sound like a self help book.

Here’s to more rain in 2019. to love and kindness through it. and to helping each other learn how to live.

2018,

thank u, next.

xoxo em

you didn’t think I was going to end this without including at least some photos from my “best of ‘18” album did you???

sorry. enjoy.