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I've thought a lot about how to even know where to start talking about this. What happened in manchester one year ago was one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with. and as much as I feel that it has changed my life I know that I will never understand the pain endured by those it touched directly. My heart has continued to ache for you every day since, and you will forever remain in my prayers.
It's truly astonishing to me that it's been a full year. I remember every detail of that night like it was yesterday. Scrolling through twitter, as I would any other night and refreshing to see the first tweets come through that something was wrong was a feeling I can't quite find the words to describe. At first people were saying that the loud noises were just balloons popping and that everything was fine. but when the news channel my grandparents had been watching downstairs starting covering it, I felt it in my gut that something was wrong. I can still feel that sinking feeling that I know so many felt as the awful news poured in.
When ariana tweeted later that night, my heart broke. She was APOLOGIZING. To even think that she felt an ounce of responsibility for those horrible events was devastating to me.
In the days that followed, I cried every time a victim was named. I had never experienced such a tragedy that felt so close to me. At the time I had been really into twitter. I followed enough ariana grande fan accounts that I could name multiple people at that manchester show. Although this tragedy was an ocean away, waiting for names to see if I recognized any made it feel closer than ever.
Being the dedicated Ariana fan that I was (okay, still am), I had been at her concert the month before. It so easily could have happened at any show. and I think that's why this felt so real to me and to so many people around the world.
I think the first time I thought maybe somehow we wouldn't let this hate defeat us was four days later when ariana released this letter.
I remember reading it for the first time. I called my mom in tears. They were tears of sadness for lost lives. and heart ache for those who lost loved ones. Tears of anger because I just couldn't understand how someone could possess the evil so deeply rooted in carrying out an attack like this. but also, I think I cried tears of hope. because this letter gave me hope that maybe our response to this hate could be love. that we wouldn't live our lives in fear. there are parts of this letter that have stuck with me every single day since.
"we will not quit or operate in fear. we won't let this divide us. we won't let hate win... our response to this violence must be to come closer together, to help each other, to love more, to sing louder, and to live more kindly and generously than we did before."
It was those words. That response. That made it feel like some way somehow, we could make these hateful intentions bring us closer together.
When Ariana returned to manchester, I was in absolute awe of her strength. How someone so personally affected by this could be as strong as she was continues to baffle me. The fact that she could be so strong when the people of manchester needed her most is simply amazing.
Just thirteen days after experiencing the unimaginable, Ariana was on stage again. One love manchester was.... I can't even find words to describe it. The amount of people that dropped everything to be there that night absolutely melted my heart. From the first song I was amazed at the love that seemed to engulf that arena. The love that, even from my couch 4,000 miles away, I somehow felt too. My first tears of the night came when niall horan sang this town. Random I know, but after that they didn't stop. That show was such a reminder that music was still unifying. That concerts could still feel like a safe place. and that no act of hate could take that away from us.
It proved that the people of manchester were strong, and resilient, and ready to fight back. Not with hate, but with more kindness, compassion, and love than ever before. Following the show, I remember videos coming out of people singing "manchester we're strong" at the top of their voices as they left the arena. They hugged strangers. and together, they began their healing.
Since watching this unfold through my phone screen, yet somehow feeling so much a part of it, three things I've learned continue to stand out to me.
First. I've learned strength. Ariana, the people of manchester, and every single person who felt touched in any way by this tragedy have displayed an incredible amount of strength over the past year. Ariana returned to manchester less than two weeks later. She hugged family members and visited hospitals for days. That is insanely brave. and amazingly admirable. She brought people together again. and the people of manchester returned to a concert venue less than two weeks later. That too is the kind of bravery that will forever inspire me. and every single person affected in any way by this tragedy, responded with more love. and the way people came together, was something that doesn't happen often. I am inspired every day of my life by the strength shown in those weeks following. and to grow stronger through something that made all of us feel so painfully weak.
Second. I have learned that living in fear, is simply not an option. Just as ariana said in that letter. We cannot quit or operate in fear. We won't let hate win. and she was right. The moment we begin to live in fear, we are letting that hate win. We must not be afraid. I get it, that's HARD. because how can we possibly not be afraid? how can we continue to go to concerts and not fear something bad happening? It's hard. But it's possible. The first concert I attended following manchester, was honestly terrifying. I knew it shouldn't have been. But I couldn't stop thinking about it. I was afraid, but I went anyways because I wasn't going to let my favorite thing in the world be taken away from me that easily. I knew that we couldn't give in to the fear, because that would be admitting defeat. and we weren't defeated. We were going to love one another more than ever before. We were going to sing louder than ever before. We were NOT going to let fear control us. and we didn't. The courage displayed in the year since has continued to prove that to me every single day.
Third. I've learned that healing is possible. I feel a bit strange saying that, because honestly every time I look back on that night, it's painful. It still brings tears to my eyes to hear the name of one of our 22 angels. and the pain that those who love them must continue to feel is unimaginable. That being said, we must continue to grow and to love through that pain. and Ariana is the living example of that. She's found a way to get back on stage. To keep making music. To smile again. and to keep those angels in heart every step of the way. Healing is a slow process. But I feel that, as a community, we have taken steps toward it together. and we must continue to do so as we endure another year of love and support through the healing process.
These are lessons that I will carry with me through the rest of my life. and that I hope we can all continue to learn from as we move forward.
Ariana, thank you for teaching me true strength. and for showing me what it means to be part of something wonderful. The love and courage that you have displayed has left an impression on me that will last a lifetime. I hope you continue to shine your love and light into the hearts of those of who support you, as you have for me for so many years.
We must continue to hope. We must continue to heal. We must continue to love. We must continue to sing louder and to stand stronger. We must not be afraid. and we must keep our angels in our hearts every step of the way.
Lastly I will leave you with my favorite tweet of all time. Because I think it's the perfect display of how much love was poured into that arena in manchester, even when for a time it seemed impossible.
We didn't let hate win.
"God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing. All you need is faith." Joel 2:25
for our angels.
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