fear or love, baby

Let's talk about the things we love. Big and small-- I love to know what people could talk about for hours, what makes them get that little excitement in their voice and sparkle in their eye.

For me, it’s things little things like musicals, rewatching my favorite shows 12 times instead of starting the new ones that have been on my watchlist since the 10th grade, superhero movies, my incessant need to get a $7 coffee every time I leave the house, marvel cast funny moments— have I exposed myself enough? But it's also things I feel passionate about, like storytelling, whether it's through written word or on screen.

Most recently, my little obsession is the movie Tick, Tick... Boom. Yes, Lin Manuel Miranda's directorial debut about the life of the incredible Jonathan Larson starring Andrew Garfield. I live with the soundtrack on repeat, you guys that movie made me feel things. I have 30/90 blasting in my headphones as we speak, and I could talk about the closing number probably for the rest of my life. Give it all the Oscars, I mean it.

But most of you don't care, do you. What about my other current favorite-- Spider-man. (No spoilers in case you're one of the three people on earth who hasn't seen it). But y'all No Way Home was everything to me!!!! There's this one scene of Tom Holland in the rain that cuts between a tight close up of his rain-soaked face and a wide shot from behind of his suit against a giant screen-- the perfect contrast between the man and the superhero and what that means for Peter Parker's character I mean UGH I could talk about it all day. And getting to see it opening night in a full theater with people cheering and screaming and crying-- I will never ever forget it.

But most of you probably don't care that much about Spider-man either. Here's the thing about both of the things I just mentioned: there are people who like it whole lot less than I do, and there are people who love it a whole lot more than I do. A lot of people hate movie musicals! Yet I know there's someone somewhere pissed that they knew every word to the original Tick, Tick... Boom in the 90s and people now just don't get it. It's the same for Marvel films-- maybe they aren't "cinema," or maybe you have been reading Spider-man comics since the womb and I am completely unworthy to even have seen it. Everybody has opinions! And that is kind of beautiful. I think it's important that we all feel differently about different art. It's, in a way, what makes it art in the first place.

Now I'm using films to make my point, because it's what I love. As I enter my fourth semester of film school, so much of what I love about it is getting to be surrounded by people who share my love for movies. It is so much fun to bond with a stranger over a shared love for an old classic or excitement for a brand new blockbuster. I think anything that brings people together that way is so special.

To me, listening to someone talk about something or someone they love is the most beautiful part of life. I mean truly, I think I could listen to people talk about anything if it's something they're passionate about it. There’s this look people get, this excitement in their voices that just fills my heart like absolutely nothing else. I see it in my parents when they talk about their work-- they both love when they can help people. My sister when she tells me about jokes with her best friends that I don’t understand. My best friend when she tells me about a new piece of music she’s learning, using technical terms I pretend to know. Even my astronomy professor when he lectures about spectroscopy (no, I still do not know what that means). Watching their eyes light up, because it’s something that makes them happy, even if it’s nothing I know a single thing about— it’s magic. 

However, I do think sometimes this joy can feel judged-- it's where we get the term "guilty pleasures." In media studies courses this is often talked about by comparing the fan bases of musicians and sports teams. Harry Styles, for example, has a global fan base. They stream his music, attend his shows, and buy his merchandise (and by they I mean me). Now compare that to say, fans of the New Orleans Saints. They watch/attend their games, follow their progress, and buy their merchandise (Once again, me). Yet, somehow, these two groups often seem to be polar opposites of each other. Perhaps, even a little judgmental toward one another. "He's just a guy." "It's just a game." Well, yes. But these little loves bring a lot of people together. They make a lot of people smile. And I think it's really important that we let people love things. I could give examples forever-- like Emily in Paris. Is it a "good" show? No. Film twitter has a field day with that one. But have I seen every episode? Of course, IT'S FUN TO WATCH. (Netflix, if you're reading this, I'm kidding. Hire me?)

As a fan of both music and football, I genuinely hope my sister and I never stop staying up all night for new Harry songs, although it sounds silly to most. I hope my dad and I never stop cheering (or agonizing) over the Saints, even if it is "just a game." I hope I still cry at Tick, Tick... Boom, and countdown to every new Spider-man film, even if people love to hate them. I do kind of hope I get over the $7 coffee thing, but hey you win some you lose some. 

These little pleasures--big or small-- are part of what makes life enjoyable, I think. What I'm trying to say here, is that I hope we never let the opinions of others cloud the joy that these things bring us. Your favorite movie doesn't need an Oscar to be your favorite, it can just be your favorite because you like it.

At the end of the day, we can love what we love, or allow ourselves to continue to refer to them as "guilty" pleasures for fear of judgement. Fear or love, baby. 

That was a pretty poetic tie back in to Tick, Tick... Boom for the three of you that got it. If you didn't, the message is still the same. You should go watch it though, you'll love it. Or maybe you won't. And that's okay too-- it is art after all.

feels so scary getting old

Yes from the Lorde song. ~She just gets it.~

I’ve always known chapters of life to have had a soundtrack. When I was a little kid it was probably Barney and whatever 90s country my dad had on. When I was four years old we went through a pretty hefty phase with Alan Jackson’s "Little Bitty." My sister, who was two at the time and running around in diapers, and I would wait for my dad to get home so he could play it on the stereo. Right before bath time every night we would blast that song and dance around the living room— me in my red cowboy hat, my sister in her diaper. There’s this one chorus that slows down and we used to crouch down as low as we could go, before it picked back up again and we would jump up and down like crazy. I can almost hear my parents laughing hysterically every time. "Little Bitty" was the soundtrack to my childhood.

When I got a little older and realized that I could like my own music, it was One Direction. Y'all, the GRIP "Midnight Memories" had me circa age 12? Forget about it. My friends and I used to have sleep overs, and stay up all night copying the entire album from memory into our “lyric books.” That music meant so much to me that I would consider Zayn’s departure from the band my first true heartbreak. I mean they had us screaming some pretty colorful lyrics in the fifth grade. One Direction was the soundtrack to my middle school years.

In high school I went through many more phases. I tried new bands that ~you probably haven’t heard of~ and fell in love again with Kacey Musgraves and Harry Styles. I found new country artists like Thomas Rhett and Jon Pardi, and learned to love old favorites like Queen and Elton John. They were the soundtrack to my high school.

Even now my music taste and the memories I associate with it are always changing. I’ve been in quite a Billy Joel phase recently— “Only the Good Die Young” sounds like home. Earlier this year I finally gave in and admitted that the Hamilton soundtrack does, in fact, slap. So much so that I actually live in fear of "Nonstop" being number one on my Spotify wrapped. I’m actually almost sure it will be, I wish I was kidding. 

At the risk of sounding wayyy too teen-angsty (I have six months left of teen angst just let me have this one)— music, for me, says things I’m feeling in a way I sometimes can’t. 

It’s, in a way, the most constant part of life. It grows with you as you grow up. Theres always new music to be discovered, yet somehow those songs you grew up to never fail to make you smile. One piano chord and you’re back in a moment you’d maybe forgotten. A song you hadn’t heard in a while and suddenly you’re back on the bus in fifth grade, staring out the window like you’re in a music video. 

I was raised on music. It was almost always on in our house—come to think of it, it’s a shame I didn’t grow up to be a pop star like I thought I would have by now. I mean you’d think I’d have drummed up some talent from all that listening, but I digress. 

In this season of life, now, especially as I’ve grown up, moved out—music is ever-present. Maybe it’s because Taylor Swift has the world in a collective spiral, or maybe it’s nice to have something constant when nothing else seems to be. Regardless, music for me now is a warm hug—the kind from your mom that's both a comfort and the 'okay' to let it all out.

There’s this Taylor Swift song called "Last Kiss" (I have much to say about blondie but I'm sure you already knew that). One of the lyrics of that has been trending on Tik Tok recently— “I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep.” The song is talking about a breakup, but online people have been using it in the context of siblings you no longer live with.

As the first (and only, for the moment) Barrett  kid to move out of the house, oooh that one hurts. Right now, at 19/20 years old, I think a lot of us are in this place where we’re sort of realizing we’re not little kids anymore. My siblings and I don’t have slumber parties in the living room or put on dance recitals in princess dresses or cover the kitchen table in arts and crafts anymore. I don’t hug and kiss my baby brother and sister goodnight before bed every night. I suppose I haven’t for a while, they’re not really a fan of that at ages 13 and 17. But it just hits me sometimes that my little brother texts me about the new Spider-man trailer because we’re not together to watch it. Or my little sister calls me to tell me about a tough practice because I’m not there to complain about it with her. My parents send me photos from their sporting events because I'm not home to attend. I suddenly watch their lives in pictures. 

And that’s not always bad, because really I am so lucky to be as close to my family as I am. I get to go home for a weekend if I want to, and I will never ever take that for granted. Ever. But there’s this little melancholy feeling, realizing we’re all grown up. That my parents have a house full of teenagers and that, in fact, one day soon, we may all be in different cities. States, even. And then I’ll even miss these days of weekend visits home and long school breaks.

It’s just part of growing up, and in a lot of ways it’s beautiful. I mean I’m going to get to see them grow up to be such wonderful people, I know it. And it lets me miss them just enough to treasure the time we do have. AND we fight a lot less. It’s harder to get annoyed over the phone, I think. 

"Last Kiss" is one of a few songs from my childhood that now breaks my heart a little when I hear it, because where I used to dance to a lovely melody in my tutu, I now relate to really beautiful lyrics.

And this happens with new music, too (yes, more Taylor Swift). The song “Nothing New,” broke my heart the first time I heard it just a few weeks ago. It’s talking about sort of aging past this shiny new chapter when you’re a teenager, and feeling as though, even though you're still so young, you don’t quite know where you’re going. The line “how can a person know everything at 18, but nothing at 22?” particularly struck me. There’s a verse that follows it that reads “how long will it be cute, all this crying in my room, when you can’t blame it on my youth, and roll your eyes with affection?” 

It’s one of the only songs I’ve seen so many people around my age relate to so much. And maybe it’s just my eldest daughter, college student, Swift-tok algorithm, but it’s been so comforting to know how many other people are going through this season of life along with me. This growing up, stepping into who we are, and learning to love the people we’ve always been. I think I cried hearing that song because it put into words all these feelings I’d never quite been able to. Like I said, sometimes music can just say it so much better than I can.

Last week I had this moment of realizing how much my life has changed, and how grown up we all are. It was at the Harry Styles concert (I know what you're thinking— what better way place for a spiritual experience?). I was with my best friend and our little sisters—three girls I've known and loved all my life. And just as Harry is singing "Sign of the Times" on stage, I had this realization that the last time we were all in that room, singing that song, we were sophomores in high school, and had been dreaming of the day we would one day it hear it live. Now, four years later, we're sophomores in college living completely different lives than we were then. I mean SO much has changed since then. In our lives, in the world. And yet we still scream those lyrics the same way we did four years ago. "Sign of the Times" is still on my soundtrack.

And maybe you don't measure your life in the time between Harry Styles concerts, but my point is that I adore music the same way I did when I was four years old dancing to "Little Bitty" in my red cowboy hat. I even still love some Alan Jackson from time to time. And I’ve gotten to add some new favorite songs along the way. Because we get to grow and change with music. We get to hold close the music that has always been who we are, at the same time that we get to find the new soundtrack to who we’ll be. 

It feels so scary getting old. But there is room for both "Little Bitty" and "Nonstop" on our soundtracks. and that part of growing up, I find really beautiful.

Although I do have a feeling that my Broadway/country playlist is probably not for everyone.

I hope we never go back to normal — a letter to the class of 2020. or any class really.

Class of 2020. We grew up thinking that was the coolest year to graduate. I can still picture the first time I saw it written down on an NCL name tag. I was in seventh grade and it seemed like light years away at the time.

But somehow it’s here. and it’s nothing like we had once pictured. I’ll only speak for myself, but I spent the last four years practically counting down the days until senior year. I was never one to dream of senior prom like it was going to be the best night of my life, but I had seen High School Musical 3 enough times to have high expectations. I’ve had my white dress to wear under my cap and gown in my online shopping cart for years. Coming into 2020, I was fully prepared for April and May to be the busiest months of my life. I had had these events on my calendar for years. My sister was supposed to get confirmed, I had events every other weekend, and I couldn’t wait to order new outfits for grad parties all before my 18th birthday and graduation trip of a lifetime. I went into spring break so excited for one last week of relaxation before the absolute chaos that was to follow. and I couldn’t wait. 

For all of that to come crashing down— it’s a weird thing. To lay in bed all day when I should’ve been at hair appointments and meeting friends for photos before senior recognition. To white out “senior prom” in my planner and replace it with a zoom meeting ID. To hang up the outfits that were once picked out for senior pictures, wishing I had just taken them a week earlier. I have to be honest: I’m disappointed. and I’m sad. and it makes me uncomfortable to even say that because so many people have it so. much. worse. 

As I'm sure you all know, the state of the world right now breaks my heart. I can't let myself watch the news anymore, I cry every time. Hearing from people in New York or from all of my family back in New Orleans just blows my mind. We’re experiencing this insane level of tragedy all at once and I don’t even know how to process it. I don’t think anyone does. 

So I hate that I’m sad over a long dress I’ll never wear or a college orientation I’ll have to do online. I even hate seeing people post things like "pray for our seniors." like we're somehow the victims in all of this. because in the grand scheme of things it’s just not that big of a deal. Especially compared to what most people are going through.

HOWEVER. One thing I’m constantly having to teach myself is that pretending like you don’t have feelings does not make them go away. As much as I really wish it did, I actually think it might make them worse. What I’m trying to say here is that everyone is sad and disappointed over what’s been canceled. and you’re allowed to be! Just because someone else’s pain may seem greater, it doesn’t make yours go away. By not feeling your emotions you’re not helping those people who have it worse, all you’re doing is hurting yourself. 

And y'all I’m the poster child for this!!! I hate crying (everyone reading this is like damn u cry a lot for someone who hates it but really. I hate it). I hate letting myself get that sad because I feel like I’m giving in and feeling sorry for myself when I should be feeling sorry for others. but I promise— I know first hand— that mentality only makes things worse. 

It’s okay to be sad. and maybe if we let ourselves be sad, then later we’ll feel okay enough to find a lesson to be learned in all of this.

In this seemingly endless time of waiting, I’m doing everything I can to focus on finding the purpose of this time we were given. because I know God has to have one.

I think in a lot of ways this time spent apart can be a reset. 

I don’t know about you guys, but I would do anything to have a normal day. I just want to wake up at 6am to my screeching alarm and run out the door to make sure I have enough time to stop for coffee. I want to squeeze into my parking spot at school and trek all the way across the lot to my first period. I want to sit in traffic leaving school and spend too much money on eating out and sit in the Starbucks parking lot for way too long wasting gas money with my friends. I would even go to practice!!! OR STATS CLASS! I just miss normal.

But here’s the thing— I never want to go back. Never again do I want to wake up to my alarm and groan because I have to go to school. Never again do I want to not enjoy every sip of my morning coffee in the 7am school traffic. Never again do I want to wish a school day away. From now on I hope we squeeze our friends a little tighter when we hug goodbye. I hope we soak up every moment of mundane target runs or dinners with friends. I hope we never take for granted a night out or an upcoming concert. I hope this teaches us to appreciate life. because it’s showing us how quickly we can miss things that once seemed unimportant. Like how a quick wave goodbye to a friend you assumed you would see the next day would become months wishing you had given them one last hug. or how a rushed lunch after school would become the last time you saw your favorite restaurant.

Life is so fragile. 

And while I know the day will come that we all return to groaning at our alarms and wishing the days away, I hope we can stop for a minute and remember these months we spent longing for those simple actions. because I don’t really ever want to go “back to normal.”

So to my fellow seniors (or anyone really), I know we’re sad. and that’s okay. But my hope is that we can turn this sadness into a different kind of normal. One where we share a greater appreciation for everyday. One where a birthday party or a music festival feel like a miracle— because we know a time when it seemed to be. One where we never take for granted a handshake from a stranger or a hug from a friend. and one where we take the time to appreciate the unimportant things. because I don’t really want to go back to “normal.”

If you read this far I love you so much and I hope you’re staying safe and healthy. My grampy texted me yesterday— “this too shall pass.” and he knows everything. Stay strong, we’re in this together.

*air hugs*
-em

“Be devoted to one another in love, honor one another above yourselves” Romans 12:10

If anyone reading this is in the position to donate to those in need you can do so here:
http://www.feedingamerica.org

There are plenty of charities in need right now but I just thought I would leave this one here because I have read so much about it and I know they are doing some really amazing things. It is such a beautiful thing to see the humanity and selflessness being shown amid this dark time and it is my hope that we can continue to look to that and be there for one another, although we are apart. <3

i'm 17 & i'm confused

I wrote a blog post I never posted a few months ago. About how we all have these seasons of our lives we never fully realize until they're gone. And how this one, senior year, is flying by and somehow it's halfway over before I've had the chance to figure it out.

"This season of life is early mornings. It's the 7:20 tardy bell and sweating in morning practice. It's finally being old enough to have early release; meeting my mom for lunch before I have to hurry back to school for practice at three. It's coffee runs with my best friends at least once a day and counting quarters in the parking lot to make sure we're able to feed our little addiction. It's Friday night football games and Cane's fried chicken in the corner booth-- win or loose. It's screaming at the TV with my dad every Saturday and Sunday, praying our team can score just one more touchdown. It's helping my brother and sister with their homework, yet some how always seeming to forget my own. It's college essays and transcripts and rec letters piled up on my desktop and to-do lists a mile long. It's a season of lasts, really. It's the feeling that every time I sit down to a weeknight family dinner I hold this little extra weight that we're one closer to our last. It's the lump in my throat as I drop my friends off at their houses after movie nights-- knowing it won't be long before they're much farther than a five minute drive. It's the little ache in my heart driving my sister to school or my brother to soccer practice knowing they'll soon be doing it themselves."

I wrote that in October. The post ended with a few lines about how fun and perfect senior year was and how exciting the unknown of applying to college could be. That's not entirely untrue, but its funny how much my perspective has already shifted.

In the few weeks following that little excerpt I wrote a series of really really sad versions of it-- ones that would probably make you click off in under ten seconds because you couldn't possibly handle one more word of my dramatic complaining.

They were so bad. I was honestly really struggling and I just could not find a way to articulate it. I would cry all the time-- in my bed watching gossip girl, in my car in the rain, in my kitchen drowning my sorrows in cookie dough-- I was a hot mess. and I honestly still don't know why. I think maybe I had just let everything build up inside for such a long time and it had finally all caught up to me. That doesn't seem to justify my almost full month of tears, but my point here is that it doesn't have to.

I spent so much of that time trying to figure what was weighing me down so heavily and hating myself for never quite being able to put my finger on it. I hated that I couldn't find the strength to find a positive way to talk about it. I hated that I couldn't suck it up and get over it. I hated that I couldn't seem to have just one good day. And here's the kicker: I was only making it worse.

I really wish I was coming to you with a tell-all guide titled "how to get out of your funk." but as painful as it was, I just had to get through it. And when you're in it, trust me I know, that feels so impossible. It feels like there will never be light at the end of the tunnel and your heart may only ever weigh heavier. But I promise it does get better. I think we have to learn to let ourselves be sad without losing hope for joy down the road. Its not something I have figured out yet. But maybe its something we can start learning together.

I feel like I have to stress why I am talking about this. If even one person is going through or has gone through similar things feels a little less alone reading it, I'm content forever. I'm really not trying to make anyone pity me-- I know I am so blessed and outwardly I don't have many reasons to feel this upset. I just want you to know that EVERYONE gets sad and everyone has rough patches. I want you to know that it is okay and that you never have to feel guilty for being sad. Because I do-- how could I possibly be sad when there's so many people who have it worse than me? Its good to remember how blessed you are. But its also important to remind yourself that using that mindset to suppress your emotions isn't helping anyone.


Here's the truth: I highly doubt I'll look back at that one month of my senior year where I totally fell apart. Its just a small part of this much bigger season I'll label "senior year." But I needed to feel that low. It just makes the happy times so much better.

I'm confused about where to go to college and what to do with my life. I'm confused with my friends because somehow everything is already changing. I'm really confused every time my stats teacher explains factorials. But I think its all part of growing up. I'm learning to look at the confusion a little more optimistically.

Like today. Its Monday. Its December and it was 80 degrees. I was late to school this morning and trudged through my day on less than five hours of sleep. My best friend canceled our plans, my coach gave me a lot of criticism, and I lost my only pair of headphones. A month ago a day like today probably would have been followed by a breakdown in tears before I walked in the door and a long night of eating chocolate alone in my room. Don't get me wrong-- days like that are going to happen. They're okay sometimes. But I'm proud of myself that they're no longer my every day. I'm sitting here smiling after my messy day and I know I'm going to be okay. I'm focusing on the good parts-- a friend bought my coffee this morning. LSU tigers are number 1 again. There's a cold front coming in tomorrow and Harry Styles has a new album out this week.

Those little positives were always there, I just wasn't in the right mindset to look.

My main point in all of this jumbled mess is that I'm confused. But that's okay. I don't think anyone has life all figured out at 17. (if u do pls share).


I love u & whatever season of life you're in I hope you're smiling.
but if you're not that's okay too.

-em

Since I'm finally feeling creative and motivated again:,) I think my new calling is to be a vlogger. (i'm only half kidding. have I been watching too much Hannah Meloche??) thats all. ok bye. love u. subscribe.


"The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming" Romans 8:18

San Diego Disposable Diaries: ITS OK IF YOUR FINGER IS IN THE LENSE

Yes the original reason for this post was to show you my super cute film photos I just got back from my California trip. BUT THERE'S MORE TO IT NOW I PROMISE.

In my last post I talked about how much value I tend to put in Instagram, and how I'm really working on not caring about it so much. I think every single person I spoke to after writing that brought up that part of it and told me that was what they related to. It blew my mind a little how many of us felt the same way- that our appearance on Instagram defined us. 

I think a lot about how different growing up now is from when our parents were teenagers. If they wanted to know what was going on in someone's life they had to pick up the phone and call them. We check their snapchat story. If they felt left out from a friend group it was because someone told them they hadn't been invited. We see it on Instagram and hate that we weren't in the photos. Its just a different experience you know? Its hard to imagine a time when everyone we know wasn't available at the touch of a button.

It's not all bad- actually I wouldn't have been on this trip if it wasn't for cell phones and FaceTime. The summer after freshman year one of my favorite people in the world moved across the country to San Diego. At the time it felt like the end of the world. But we text and face time all the time and to be honest, I think we're closer now than we were then.

But its hard to find a balance. Between social media's beauty and ugly. I know! But I don't think its impossible.

As I said last post- I love a perfect Instagram photo!! And that's not a bad thing!! But I also have to remember those 479 other ones in my recently deleted folder that didn't seem to be good enough. Because those are special too!! The ones with your finger covering the camera or your face out of focus. Sometimes those make me smile the most.

And thats why I loved these little disposables cameras. You get one shot. Its perfect or its awful and theres no way to tell. But its real. Its real time memories and if you laugh or you blink as the flash goes off thats what you get. My finger is in the lens or my eyes are closed in more than half of the photos I got back, but I love them more than anything.

So yes, I did decide to take these because its cute and David Dobrik does it so it MUST be cool. But I got memories I'll get to hold onto for a long time. and a way to show you the mess and imperfections that don't always make it to Instagram. a little blip in the highlight reel.

BC ITS OK IF YOUR FINGER IS IN THE LENSE.

Mel modeling at the University of San Diego. There was no one there and we walked around admiring the church and flowers for hours. It was so stunning.

Me n Jess getting ridiculously sunburned on the bus at San Diego Zoo. The lions were worth it!!!!

One of the first photos I took. You can't see anything going on but we had the best time this night. Also Whataburger is so much better I'm sorry I had to say it.

Every morning Mel's sweet family would make us the yummiest breakfasts and we would sit and eat and drink coffee with them for hours. They were so insanely kind to host us and the mornings were such a highlight of the trip:,) If you're reading this- love u guys.

Jess getting her 27 dollar henna at the zoo. It washed off like four days later but it was.... a good experience.

YOU GUYS BETTER BUZZ COFFEE IS LIKE NO OTHER. I had it the first time I went to San Diego and I have thought about it everyday since. Its the reason I go. Not really. But kinda.

My favorite photo in the world. The one day we decided to go the beach it was freezing cold and super cloudy and obviously that wasn't the plan so everyone was a little bummed- until we decided that we didn't care and decided to run into the ocean anyways. Long story short we lasted about thirty seconds. but I've never laughed harder. 

Jess in her natural habitat. Checking her snaps from her 76 streaks.

literally no one:

         me: IM DAIRY FREE

(found this dairy free ice cream at Baked Bear and I 've never been happier)

Your mom on vacation in Hawaii circa 1997.

We decided we didn't want to lay on the beach (you guys know I feel about that) so we found this line of shade and laid in the grass while we listened to the waves. and the families of six with children screaming that they wanted ice cream. heaven amiright??

The sky ride at the zoo!!!! peep me already messing up my henna. (also if you were one of the boys that sprayed us with bubbles- hey)

This one makes me smile. and I'm not even going to bring up how expensive those tats were. oops already did.

Getting ready to see Why Don't We!!! The flash is covering literally everything but I still feel our excitement when I see this one. I thought val was going to explode.

THIS ONE MIGHT ACTUALLY BE MY NUMBER ONE FAVORITE. If you don't know- Val is obsessed with giraffes. Like obsessed. I swear all we talked about the entire trip was how excited she was to see them at the zoo. Need I say more? (my heart is literally exploding)

Waiting for EBEN to come on stage. I'm internally screaming.

 

HOW ARE THEY THIS GORGEOUS. (told u my finger is in all of these).

Val is a concert film photographer now. DM for prints.

Incredibly washed out but incredibly happy. Prob right after they sang These Girls. We went hard.

I guess we were really excited about our post-concert fries....

Cleaning up n packing to go home:,( Tell me these don't look like photos we'll show our kids in a photo album one day.

If you made through all of these thank you. I love these memories and these people more than I can put into words and my heart is so freaking full looking back at them. 

loved this summer. love y'all. HAPPY SENIOR YEAR. (omg)

xoxo, em

"For nothing will be impossible with God." Luke 1:37

it’s ok if you don’t like the beach (& other life changing revelations)

They're not actually life changing but I'm sure you already knew that.

I'm currently crammed in the back seat of our car with both of my siblings and all of our backpacks (yes it’s as bad as it sounds but ig it’s worth it) as we drive five hours from Panama City to New Orleans. Through a hurricane. Yep. Its fine we’re fine. Okay I’m making this sound horrible and that’s not at all what I’m trying to say- this really has been the best week. Just not really this part.

I’ve spent the last seven days watching sunsets and getting sunburnt (sunburned??? I never know) and it was so so happy.

Anyways this week has given me a LOT of time to think. Maybe too much. And what do I do when I’m overthinking??? Bug you all with those thoughts. 

So here’s some things I’ve had on my mind this week. 

1. I don’t actually like the beach that much

OK BEFORE YOU YELL HEAR ME OUT. I love being at the beach. Like waking up and drinking coffee and doing my devotional while I watch the waves- heaven. Walking on the beach in sweatshirts while the sun sets- also heaven. but I think I’ve finally realized that lugging ice chests and floaties and sunscreen all the way down to the beach and dripping in sweat and sand sticking to you and swimming with jellyfish (I saw one the other day so i’m never getting in the ocean again)- it’s just not my cup of tea. AND I WANT IT TO BE SO BAD. I want sooo bad to be like all the girls on vsco with those signs that say “sand in my shower means i had a good day🤙🏼🤙🏼🤪” but I’m just... not. Sand in the shower is so annoying!!!! And you know what that’s okay!!! I still went down to the beach and spent time with my family, I just limited my time there a little, spent a little extra time at the pool, had an extra bowl of coco puffs upstairs while they went down a early. And you know what I had a great time!!!! 

Okay yes this realization is kind of stupid. But in a way it’s also huge for me to feel like I know something about myself enough to make changes based on it to contribute to my own happiness. I’m not sure that makes sense and trust me I know I’m being dramatic (if you can’t handle dramatic you came to the wrong place) but it was nice to take my time in the morning and not be in a rush to get down to the sand to sweat and not really enjoy myself. 

And maybe going to the beach less is a dumb example but I think we can apply this to so many areas of our lives. Like sometimes the last thing you feel like doing is going out with your friends. So don’t. If you know you’re not going to be fun literally don’t go. Now I’m not saying to repeatedly blow off plans or that you'll never have to do anything you don’t want to, I’m just saying that sometimes you have to find little things you can do to benefit your own happiness. If you want a night to yourself take it. If you want an extra cookie eat it. If you want a venti instead of a grande today order it. Sometimes we need little things for ourselves, and I don't think it's a bad thing to take them.

2. Life is SO exciting right now

Really it is. I’m getting ready, as many of you are, to start my senior year of high school. I’m writing college application essays and uhhh freaking out. Everything feels like its coming so fast and I can’t quite wrap my head around how much is going to be changing in the next year and a half. And that terrifies me!! But as I’ve spent hours worrying about this over the past week, I’ve kind of realized how exciting this season of life is. The uncertainty is really scary, but in a lot of ways it’s so so exciting that we all get to take the next step in creating our own paths you know? Like pretty soon we’ll be buying prom dresses and graduation caps and then we’ll all be scattered across the country opening new chapters. Like how crazy is that??? It just makes me realize that this next year is going to be so much fun and we all really have to soak up every moment because we won’t have them for long. When I think about high school ending I realize how much I love friday night football games (even if after 2 weeks I’m exhausted and ready for it to be over) and my after school coffee runs with my friends when we know we won’t be sleeping that night (algebra I will not miss u. but I’ve heard you might be sticking around) and just being kids. I feel like there’s so much to stress about in high school and there’s so many times I hate it and cry because I’m so overwhelmed but we really are just kids. In the grand scheme of life I don’t think it’s as bad as we think it is while we’re in it. And while I’m not the best at taking the advice I’m about to give- I think this year we all need to just enjoy it. One day we might wish we were back in high school crying over research papers at 2am. Probably not. But maybe. 

I guess I’m just saying that life is flying by y’all. We’re all growing up and heading our separate ways in the very near future. So let’s make senior year something special, we’ll never get this time back!!!! 

And i’m working real hard to take my own advice on this one. I promise I know it’s not easy. 

3. Ethma is real

I haven’t actually thought about this that much. but after that paparazzi video I’m convinced. Let’s discuss.

4. Instagram is not that deep

Stop laughing I’M SERIOUS. I know you’re laughing at this coming from me but hear me out. I put more effort than I would care to admit into my Instagram. The editing, the feed, the captions I take hours to come up with and they’re not even good. And while it’s obviously not something that’s important, it’s fun for me! When I get a good picture and can put my indyxtristen lightroom presets on it and barely have to adjust anything!!! That’s gold baby. Or when I finally decide on a caption that I think is hilarious (I know I’m the only one laughing ok). I like Instagram. But for a long time I’ve put wayyyy too much value into the validation that comes from it. I feel like my posts are “good” when they hit a certain number of likes or I get enough “SO CUTE🤩” comments. And don’t me wrong- I think it’s okay to feel good about yourself when someone comments heart eyes on your summer vacation photos (y’all know who you are, we hype each other up). But I don’t think we should put so much weight on it that we’re sad when we get less comments or likes than usual. If I’m proud of the picture and it doesn’t get “enough” likes or heart eyes does that mean I stop being proud?? It shouldn’t right?? But lately it has. So I’ve decided that enough is enough and I’m only posting things that make me happy. Who cares about likes? Not me. But sis that’s easier said than done. 

I posted this photo recently:

 with the caption “rain or shine baby #feltcutemightdeletelater” 

Is this a good well lit perfectly taken instagram photo??? Nope. Actually it’s a photo I texted my mom. Is that caption funny at all?? Nope. BUT I LIKE IT. That concert was so much fun. We danced in the rain screaming Thomas Rhett songs all night and we had a good! time! And that was one of the only photos I took that entire night. Before I posted it I debated for hours if it was stupid or if people might make fun of me. But I finally came to a conclusion: I don’t care. I liked the picture and I liked the memories and that’s what’s important! And you know what it did get less likes than some of my other photos and that’s okay!!!! (ofc i still check- this is very much a new concept for me).

Think of it like this. When you like someone else’s photo how much thought are you really putting into it? Hardly any right? So why do we put so much value in the number of people who mindlessly double tap our pictures? I don’t actually know the answer to that question but I’m really working on not putting so much weight on Instagram. It’s just not that deep.

5. We have a lot to be thankful for

We’re sooo blessed you guys. Life is hard sometimes and we all have struggles but at the end of the day we are SO blessed to live the lives we were given. So I’ll leave you with a list of five things I’m thankful for, hopefully encouraging you to do the same. Anything. Big, small, silly. I wanna hear it!!! It’s good to remind ourselves how blessed we are, somehow it always makes my problems feel a little smaller. 

I’m grateful for...

• the loving family & friends surrounding me
• a God that loves us unconditionally 
• good coffee
• sunsets
• Tom Holland as Spiderman

Leave yours here or in my Instagram comments or on your mirror or in your diary!!! (I promise it makes you smile. and I really want to know!!! but if they're just for your diary that's ok too.)

If any of you finished this I’m..... eternally grateful.

LETS NOT GO TO THE BEACH AND LOVE LIFE AND STALK ETHMA AND NOT CARE ABOUT LIKES AND BE GRATEFUL FOREVER OKAY

thanks.

xoxo, em

“God’s mercies are new every morning” Lam 3:22-23

(tell me what you're thankful for pls so I don't feel stupid. thanks love u)