feels so scary getting old

Yes from the Lorde song. ~She just gets it.~

I’ve always known chapters of life to have had a soundtrack. When I was a little kid it was probably Barney and whatever 90s country my dad had on. When I was four years old we went through a pretty hefty phase with Alan Jackson’s "Little Bitty." My sister, who was two at the time and running around in diapers, and I would wait for my dad to get home so he could play it on the stereo. Right before bath time every night we would blast that song and dance around the living room— me in my red cowboy hat, my sister in her diaper. There’s this one chorus that slows down and we used to crouch down as low as we could go, before it picked back up again and we would jump up and down like crazy. I can almost hear my parents laughing hysterically every time. "Little Bitty" was the soundtrack to my childhood.

When I got a little older and realized that I could like my own music, it was One Direction. Y'all, the GRIP "Midnight Memories" had me circa age 12? Forget about it. My friends and I used to have sleep overs, and stay up all night copying the entire album from memory into our “lyric books.” That music meant so much to me that I would consider Zayn’s departure from the band my first true heartbreak. I mean they had us screaming some pretty colorful lyrics in the fifth grade. One Direction was the soundtrack to my middle school years.

In high school I went through many more phases. I tried new bands that ~you probably haven’t heard of~ and fell in love again with Kacey Musgraves and Harry Styles. I found new country artists like Thomas Rhett and Jon Pardi, and learned to love old favorites like Queen and Elton John. They were the soundtrack to my high school.

Even now my music taste and the memories I associate with it are always changing. I’ve been in quite a Billy Joel phase recently— “Only the Good Die Young” sounds like home. Earlier this year I finally gave in and admitted that the Hamilton soundtrack does, in fact, slap. So much so that I actually live in fear of "Nonstop" being number one on my Spotify wrapped. I’m actually almost sure it will be, I wish I was kidding. 

At the risk of sounding wayyy too teen-angsty (I have six months left of teen angst just let me have this one)— music, for me, says things I’m feeling in a way I sometimes can’t. 

It’s, in a way, the most constant part of life. It grows with you as you grow up. Theres always new music to be discovered, yet somehow those songs you grew up to never fail to make you smile. One piano chord and you’re back in a moment you’d maybe forgotten. A song you hadn’t heard in a while and suddenly you’re back on the bus in fifth grade, staring out the window like you’re in a music video. 

I was raised on music. It was almost always on in our house—come to think of it, it’s a shame I didn’t grow up to be a pop star like I thought I would have by now. I mean you’d think I’d have drummed up some talent from all that listening, but I digress. 

In this season of life, now, especially as I’ve grown up, moved out—music is ever-present. Maybe it’s because Taylor Swift has the world in a collective spiral, or maybe it’s nice to have something constant when nothing else seems to be. Regardless, music for me now is a warm hug—the kind from your mom that's both a comfort and the 'okay' to let it all out.

There’s this Taylor Swift song called "Last Kiss" (I have much to say about blondie but I'm sure you already knew that). One of the lyrics of that has been trending on Tik Tok recently— “I’ll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep.” The song is talking about a breakup, but online people have been using it in the context of siblings you no longer live with.

As the first (and only, for the moment) Barrett  kid to move out of the house, oooh that one hurts. Right now, at 19/20 years old, I think a lot of us are in this place where we’re sort of realizing we’re not little kids anymore. My siblings and I don’t have slumber parties in the living room or put on dance recitals in princess dresses or cover the kitchen table in arts and crafts anymore. I don’t hug and kiss my baby brother and sister goodnight before bed every night. I suppose I haven’t for a while, they’re not really a fan of that at ages 13 and 17. But it just hits me sometimes that my little brother texts me about the new Spider-man trailer because we’re not together to watch it. Or my little sister calls me to tell me about a tough practice because I’m not there to complain about it with her. My parents send me photos from their sporting events because I'm not home to attend. I suddenly watch their lives in pictures. 

And that’s not always bad, because really I am so lucky to be as close to my family as I am. I get to go home for a weekend if I want to, and I will never ever take that for granted. Ever. But there’s this little melancholy feeling, realizing we’re all grown up. That my parents have a house full of teenagers and that, in fact, one day soon, we may all be in different cities. States, even. And then I’ll even miss these days of weekend visits home and long school breaks.

It’s just part of growing up, and in a lot of ways it’s beautiful. I mean I’m going to get to see them grow up to be such wonderful people, I know it. And it lets me miss them just enough to treasure the time we do have. AND we fight a lot less. It’s harder to get annoyed over the phone, I think. 

"Last Kiss" is one of a few songs from my childhood that now breaks my heart a little when I hear it, because where I used to dance to a lovely melody in my tutu, I now relate to really beautiful lyrics.

And this happens with new music, too (yes, more Taylor Swift). The song “Nothing New,” broke my heart the first time I heard it just a few weeks ago. It’s talking about sort of aging past this shiny new chapter when you’re a teenager, and feeling as though, even though you're still so young, you don’t quite know where you’re going. The line “how can a person know everything at 18, but nothing at 22?” particularly struck me. There’s a verse that follows it that reads “how long will it be cute, all this crying in my room, when you can’t blame it on my youth, and roll your eyes with affection?” 

It’s one of the only songs I’ve seen so many people around my age relate to so much. And maybe it’s just my eldest daughter, college student, Swift-tok algorithm, but it’s been so comforting to know how many other people are going through this season of life along with me. This growing up, stepping into who we are, and learning to love the people we’ve always been. I think I cried hearing that song because it put into words all these feelings I’d never quite been able to. Like I said, sometimes music can just say it so much better than I can.

Last week I had this moment of realizing how much my life has changed, and how grown up we all are. It was at the Harry Styles concert (I know what you're thinking— what better way place for a spiritual experience?). I was with my best friend and our little sisters—three girls I've known and loved all my life. And just as Harry is singing "Sign of the Times" on stage, I had this realization that the last time we were all in that room, singing that song, we were sophomores in high school, and had been dreaming of the day we would one day it hear it live. Now, four years later, we're sophomores in college living completely different lives than we were then. I mean SO much has changed since then. In our lives, in the world. And yet we still scream those lyrics the same way we did four years ago. "Sign of the Times" is still on my soundtrack.

And maybe you don't measure your life in the time between Harry Styles concerts, but my point is that I adore music the same way I did when I was four years old dancing to "Little Bitty" in my red cowboy hat. I even still love some Alan Jackson from time to time. And I’ve gotten to add some new favorite songs along the way. Because we get to grow and change with music. We get to hold close the music that has always been who we are, at the same time that we get to find the new soundtrack to who we’ll be. 

It feels so scary getting old. But there is room for both "Little Bitty" and "Nonstop" on our soundtracks. and that part of growing up, I find really beautiful.

Although I do have a feeling that my Broadway/country playlist is probably not for everyone.