"This season of life is early mornings. It's the 7:20 tardy bell and sweating in morning practice. It's finally being old enough to have early release; meeting my mom for lunch before I have to hurry back to school for practice at three. It's coffee runs with my best friends at least once a day and counting quarters in the parking lot to make sure we're able to feed our little addiction. It's Friday night football games and Cane's fried chicken in the corner booth-- win or loose. It's screaming at the TV with my dad every Saturday and Sunday, praying our team can score just one more touchdown. It's helping my brother and sister with their homework, yet some how always seeming to forget my own. It's college essays and transcripts and rec letters piled up on my desktop and to-do lists a mile long. It's a season of lasts, really. It's the feeling that every time I sit down to a weeknight family dinner I hold this little extra weight that we're one closer to our last. It's the lump in my throat as I drop my friends off at their houses after movie nights-- knowing it won't be long before they're much farther than a five minute drive. It's the little ache in my heart driving my sister to school or my brother to soccer practice knowing they'll soon be doing it themselves."
I wrote that in October. The post ended with a few lines about how fun and perfect senior year was and how exciting the unknown of applying to college could be. That's not entirely untrue, but its funny how much my perspective has already shifted.
In the few weeks following that little excerpt I wrote a series of really really sad versions of it-- ones that would probably make you click off in under ten seconds because you couldn't possibly handle one more word of my dramatic complaining.
They were so bad. I was honestly really struggling and I just could not find a way to articulate it. I would cry all the time-- in my bed watching gossip girl, in my car in the rain, in my kitchen drowning my sorrows in cookie dough-- I was a hot mess. and I honestly still don't know why. I think maybe I had just let everything build up inside for such a long time and it had finally all caught up to me. That doesn't seem to justify my almost full month of tears, but my point here is that it doesn't have to.
I spent so much of that time trying to figure what was weighing me down so heavily and hating myself for never quite being able to put my finger on it. I hated that I couldn't find the strength to find a positive way to talk about it. I hated that I couldn't suck it up and get over it. I hated that I couldn't seem to have just one good day. And here's the kicker: I was only making it worse.
I really wish I was coming to you with a tell-all guide titled "how to get out of your funk." but as painful as it was, I just had to get through it. And when you're in it, trust me I know, that feels so impossible. It feels like there will never be light at the end of the tunnel and your heart may only ever weigh heavier. But I promise it does get better. I think we have to learn to let ourselves be sad without losing hope for joy down the road. Its not something I have figured out yet. But maybe its something we can start learning together.
I feel like I have to stress why I am talking about this. If even one person is going through or has gone through similar things feels a little less alone reading it, I'm content forever. I'm really not trying to make anyone pity me-- I know I am so blessed and outwardly I don't have many reasons to feel this upset. I just want you to know that EVERYONE gets sad and everyone has rough patches. I want you to know that it is okay and that you never have to feel guilty for being sad. Because I do-- how could I possibly be sad when there's so many people who have it worse than me? Its good to remember how blessed you are. But its also important to remind yourself that using that mindset to suppress your emotions isn't helping anyone.
Here's the truth: I highly doubt I'll look back at that one month of my senior year where I totally fell apart. Its just a small part of this much bigger season I'll label "senior year." But I needed to feel that low. It just makes the happy times so much better.
I'm confused about where to go to college and what to do with my life. I'm confused with my friends because somehow everything is already changing. I'm really confused every time my stats teacher explains factorials. But I think its all part of growing up. I'm learning to look at the confusion a little more optimistically.
Like today. Its Monday. Its December and it was 80 degrees. I was late to school this morning and trudged through my day on less than five hours of sleep. My best friend canceled our plans, my coach gave me a lot of criticism, and I lost my only pair of headphones. A month ago a day like today probably would have been followed by a breakdown in tears before I walked in the door and a long night of eating chocolate alone in my room. Don't get me wrong-- days like that are going to happen. They're okay sometimes. But I'm proud of myself that they're no longer my every day. I'm sitting here smiling after my messy day and I know I'm going to be okay. I'm focusing on the good parts-- a friend bought my coffee this morning. LSU tigers are number 1 again. There's a cold front coming in tomorrow and Harry Styles has a new album out this week.
Those little positives were always there, I just wasn't in the right mindset to look.
My main point in all of this jumbled mess is that I'm confused. But that's okay. I don't think anyone has life all figured out at 17. (if u do pls share).
I love u & whatever season of life you're in I hope you're smiling.
but if you're not that's okay too.
-em
"The pain that you have been feeling cannot compare to the joy that is coming" Romans 8:18
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